Driving near the airport the other day I was stunned by how close the approaching plane seemed to be to the roof of my car. Once I got over that thought, I was struck by the look of the landing gear. It was very complicated and mechanical and rather unsightly. My unconscious image of an aircraft is a thing of beauty; Sleek lines, rounded surfaces, glossy finish and birdlike grace. My sensibilities were almost offended by the clumsy looking landing apparatus. Alas….no one wants to board a plane without wheels. Take off and landing become dangerous, with the chances of success minimal. Consider that landing gear the equivalent of the time, patience, and work that it takes to succeed in any worthwhile venture. Those projects may require research, education, blueprints, capital, supplies, supervision, production, personnel, oversight, prototypes, focus groups, and on and on. Next time you are faced with creating an action plan in order to proceed with a project of your own, think about the non-glamorous nature of the landing gear, how function over form is vital to the achievement of the goal. Preparation is required whenever something of substance is attempted. Think about how high you will fly, and how graceful you will appear, when those first steps have been taken and then recede into your body of work.
Victory over Despair
I bought this little figure at a rummage sale. It is held together with elastic thread and the possible positions are virtually endless. My daughter created the conquerer pose and left it on the windowsill. I took it down and started to play with it. I discovered that one small change in the arms made a huge difference in the figure. I brought it with me to a lecture I was giving and talked about how our physical self impacts our mental state. (I learned that many years ago from Tony Robbins). Try it yourself. Sit with your hands in the “woe is me” position and pay attention to how you feel. Now move into the victorious pose and notice the difference. Something dramatic happens. Think about how you can use this in your daily life. Rather than letting your weary physical self dictate your posture, pretend to be energetic, change your position and smile at the result. The addition of a mechanical smile makes a difference too.
Where were the Fashion Police?
I went on a wonderful overnight with my husband. I brought his favorite dress and we enjoyed a lovely and delicious dinner together, in a beautiful setting. Washing up in the lavatory afterwards, I thought that my dress looked funny. I checked inside the neck and there was the label. YIKES! I had put it on backwards. I corrected my error before rejoining the public. While I was embarrassed, I also found humor in the situation. How many times do we worry over some detail of our appearance? What about the times we get home and discover an uneven hem or bit of undergarment showing? Going to an event and considering who will be there and if they will remember that you wore the outfit last time? Is it a couple of years old? Is the color or style out of fashion? The point is…nobody noticed me. Nobody corrected me. Nobody cared that my dress was on backwards. It did not get in the way of a fun evening, in fact, it made it even more memorable. Choose carefully the things that you allow to cause worry.
Walk in Their Shoes
Chilton Hospital hosted an event focused on suicide prevention. Kevin Hines was the invited speaker. At age 19 he wanted to end his pain by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. His story is amazing and inspiring. One of the visuals at the event was this configuration of shoes, each with a phrase attributed to someone who took his/ her life. As I walked around reading the little cards, I was struck speechless by the words. They were common, ordinary words that I have heard people utter on many occasions. Some of them I have spoken or thought myself. Fortunately, they have been just a part of my internal dialogue. How painful it must be to have only the negatives to keep you company. Suicide prevention starts with awareness and conversation. LISTEN to people. Perhaps in an unguarded moment someone (even a stranger) may talk to you and your attention could make a difference. Kevin’s advice was for people suffering with mental health issues to learn to say, “I need help now”. My favorite mental health advocate is my son, Joseph, the founder of the YOU ROCK Foundation. His words are, “You matter. You’re needed. You Rock.”
Where do You Want to Be?
For decades I have wanted to go to Alaska. Before the movie and concept of a Bucket List was fashionable I wanted to go to Alaska. Before there were popular cruises, I wanted to go to Alaska. Before I knew Eddie I wanted to go to Alaska. Before I knew about St. Herman of Alaska I wanted to go to Alaska. WHY?? Maybe it dates back to the 1964 World’s Fair and my mistaken impression that the wooden church replicated there represented one in Alaska. I also don’t know where my lifelong recognition of and affection for all things Norman Rockwell originates. That also doesn’t have a starting point. It is just THERE. What are your unspoken desires and wish list items? What do you want to experience and where do you want to go? Have you considered what steps you will have to take to get there? You may have to save money. You may have to arrange child care. You may have to do research about timing and special exhibits. You may have to coordinate events with family members or friends. You may have to revisit the original reasons there was an attraction. Maybe something more desirable has moved higher on your list. The point IS…pay attention, do your homework, create a plan and take the action steps. Make it fun as you take the little steps that will bring you closer.
Capture Your Reflection
The end of the Alaska trip was Vancouver and British Columbia. While in Canada we made a stop in Butchart Gardens. The setting was beautiful, with dramatic botanical examples and historical trivia. This image reminds me of a funhouse mirror. While they were funny, I only liked the ones that (sort of) matched my image of myself. The others were TOO distorted and made me uncomfortable. "What if that's what I really look like?" I knew it was a matter of the shape of the mirror, yet they are all just reflections. The real ME might be perceived by others in an unflattering light or as a distortion. What control do I have over the impressions of others? My physical self is the visible part. My attitude, words, gestures, and facial expressions are far more changeable and meaningful. Those are the ways I make people feel important, loved, and respected. Catching myself in the reflection was a silent version of me; One that has the power to hurt or offend by an inadvertent smirk, misunderstood comment, or dismissive turn of the head. My personal promise has become being mindful of my response and my presence.
Your Shadow has a Presence
This picture was taken in Alaska. It was a trip that was anticipated for nine years. That's how long the saving happened too. The morning this picture was taken we were waiting, with a group, for a small boat to take us to a special little island. I wanted a picture of all the others waiting and caught sight of our shadows, thinking it would make an interesting photo. When I raised my arms to get the shot I realized that the resulting shadow would appear strange because of my body position. I moved around a bit to minimize the elbow angles and got this image. It was a great lesson in recognizing how my physical self is portrayed and projected. I was surprised by the length of our shadows and the accuracy of our positions. It made me think of circumstances when I may have been unaware of the visibility of my presence or how it was made to appear longer or shorter. What did I do to emphasize the positive or negative? How ignorant was I about what people were seeing (judging, maybe) when I was not at my best? The lesson here is to conduct myself in such a way that regret is absent.
Take the Memories with You
I recently retired from Montville Dental Associates, where I worked as a dental hygienist since 1998. It has been a wonderful experience! I have worked with dedicated staff, under two talented dentists and and have seen the profession grow. When I graduated Columbia in 1973 implants were new and unpredictable and sealants were innovative. I wore a uniform dress and my cap was important to me. The purple ribbon signified Dentistry and the blue was for Columbia. I wore it proudly for many years. As my last day approached I considered how I could make it special. My aunt made the dress for me (and a matching one for her daughter, the nurse). It was still in my closet after four moves. Luckily I could still zip it up. The cap was on the top shelf, where it stayed until I took it down when speaking to kindergarten classes about dental health. That ended when I realized that kids didn't know what caps represented anymore. When I pinned it onto my hair it made me feel proud, and just a little silly. I decided to leave the profession the way I came in, hence the vintage attire. The diploma came off the wall with the help of my husband. He chose to celebrate the occasion by bringing in lunch for us and sharing the anticipation. My life with him is filled with new adventures. I take with me all the random facts that my patients taught me and a heart filled with appreciation for their trust.
Public Service Anouncement
The subject of allergies came up in a conversation with a pharmacy student. Not everyone wears Medical Alert bracelets. Some people have a key chain, some people have nothing to indicate their reaction to particular medications. She brought up the subject of cell phones as a source of emergency information. I checked with an EMT who said that if a person is unresponsive and alone the phone can become quite important. I looked at the settings on my own phone and discovered the variety of information that can be added and accessed, even on a locked device. Sharing what was new to me I only encountered one person who has her information complete on her phone. She was grateful for the reminder to update her prescription list, though. For many people, the simple addition of a contact person will be enough. For others, perhaps time will be saved or an unfortunate action avoided. I was pleased to be educating my peers and sharing something helpful. Often, I have that same feeling after a coaching session.
One Foot in Front of the Other
I learned this lesson a long time ago. My husband died and I was left with four children ranging in age from 6-16. The youngest was finishing her kindergarten year and a friend had invited me to walk the track at the high school. My mom was in town for the end of year festivities and offered to babysit. I was in a dress and changed my shoes in the car. I remember feeling "cool", like a NYC businesswoman who commutes in comfy shoes and brings her heels in a bag. It was a lovely spring day and the company and listening ear was a great comfort. We walked around and around the oval track for about an hour. My friend is an athlete and slowed her pace to match mine. When it was time to go I felt so much better. The thought in my head was that the track is a metaphor for life. It doesn't stop for any one person. It is a never ending loop. You have to keep moving. The best way to do that is to continue putting one foot in front of the other. Years later, when a close friend was widowed, I mailed her clear plastic foot forms. They came with sandals that my daughter (now a high school senior) bought. I tied them together with curling ribbon and wrote ONE FOOT and OTHER FOOT on them. The enclosed advice instructed, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other". It is a universal law.
What Do You Celebrate?
Today was my first official 5K. My first unofficial one was last November. Eddie won a first place medal for his age group that day and we joked about signing up for races with a lot of young runners. When I found the Race for Recovery (benefitting the market Street Mission) taking place on July 4th I checked out the age spread from last year's event. It looked like we would be senior participants. We both finished, met nice people, enjoyed the music and heard inspiring stories of struggles and recovery. I finished with a time of 46:39, proudly in the lower 16 percent. I enjoyed watching the finish line, looking for the two woman I started with a the beginning. I was afraid of getting lost on the cross country trail and wanted the company. Once I saw that the course was well marked I was able to set my own pace. I politely passed a few people and sprinted across the finish line. It felt so good! When I got home I read a quote by Fr. Alexander Schmemann, "Tell me what you celebrate and I will tell you who you are". The people today were celebrating America's Independence Day, their physical ability to move, the power of the Twelve Steps and the importance of the human community. It was good to be in their company.
The Gold Standard
This cake was a gift, celebrating a happy and important occasion. It has the reputation of being the best chocolate cake in the world and it did taste great. The gesture was kind. It was the gold sprinkles on the frosting that impressed me the most. though. A few years ago the Museum of Finance in Manhattan had a special exhibit on gold. There were several examples of extravagant items made of gold...trash can, telephone, mouse trap, sardine can, fax machine and even a Monopoly game. There was gold crowns from Orthodox wedding ceremonies, gold foil for dental fillings and Olympic medals. There was even a bag of Gold Medal flour. The narrative accompanying the exhibit told the story of gold being the measure of excellence. All of this was running through my mind when I cut the cake and the sugary gold was gleaming against the dark brown. It is possible, and even probable, that the golden halo surrounding the confection was standard decoration. I allow myself a few brief moments to imagine that they were a special order. We all like to think that, sometimes, we are doing something well enough to win the gold.
Being Uprooted Hurts
The tree is uprooted and its life is over, yet the surrounding grass is essentially undisturbed. The image reminds me of how we can experience disruption, sadness and trauma and the world continues to spin on its axis. We think that everything stops when we are dealing with some earth shattering event. We are shocked that others are dealing with life as usual. We are disappointed that people are still going to the movies and making weekend plans. We can't quite believe that our trouble is not impacting everyone around us. Hearing a terrible diagnosis, losing a job or a loved one or our savings, watching our house burn down, being involved in a fatal car crash, witnessing the decline of a friend, experiencing a painful divorce, or leaving a residence that has been home for decades are all examples of stressful life experiences. Any one of these can shatter our composure and alter our future. Looking at the big picture, knowing that Mother nature will continue her cycle (and the grass will keep growing) can help keep our circumstances in perspective. Being sensitive to those around us can be seen as a service and a privilege. The person in our company may be facing a difficult time and we may be the only one who takes the time to be kind.
Consider the Rules
I was walking with a new friend this week. We were enjoying great conversation and a brisk pace, my favorite combination. We kept extending the area to prolong the walk. When we got to a crosswalk there was no motor traffic and we started to cross diagonally. A little voice began to caution me. I pulled my friend back into the crosswalk and said, "We can't set a bad example." There was a little boy walking with his grandpa, following the rules and taking the long route with the right angle of the perpendicular white walkways. The little voice was telling me that it was the safe thing that I was taught as a child. In that moment I did not want to be the reason the boy had to be told that sometimes people don't follow the rules. I wanted to set an example and be true to myself. I remember standing on the curb, tugging on my dad's hand, not wanting to cross against the light, even though the street was deserted. There are plenty of rules that have lost their power over me. Maturity gives us the freedom to distinguish the important ones from the self imposed ones that stifle us. Consider the rules you have set for yourself that no longer serve you and that discourage your growth.
What Will You Become?
Spring is my favorite season. I love watching the new growth appear, the greening of the grass, the forsythia in bloom, and the young buds appearing on the branches. One year I did my version of time lapse photography by taking daily pictures of my hosta plants as they emerged from the soil and unfurled. It was so much fun that I have continued the practice and capture random images of new buds. The transformation fascinates me. Often the bud bears no resemblance to the future flower. The image here is of a flowering dogwood blossom in my yard. This tree has particular sentimental value for me because I clearly remember shopping for it. I didn't even know the name. I went to local nurseries and described it. No luck at the first two. As I pulled into the third one there was a great parking spot and right in front of the car was exactly the tree that I wanted. This dogwood brings me tremendous joy every year. The life lesson about becoming something different than you are now is true for us all. Exploration, discovery, education, and reinvention are exciting and can be scary. Once we have taken all the steps, we sometimes have to reintroduce ourselves to the people who thought they knew us. Growth and change are vital!
Mental Health Matters
1Million Mohawks is an initiative sponsored by the You Rock Foundation to promote awareness of mental health concerns. My oldest son started the foundation about five years ago. This is the second year of the Mohawk theme and the concept is to draw attention to your head (and what is inside) by having an eye catching hair style. Last year my bangs were shorter and I created a Mohawk with toothpaste. The thick gooeyness held just long enough to get a quick image. This year I needed to do something different. Not being willing to cut my hair, even though the cause is quite relevant and important to me, I used cardboard. Furniture scratch cover helped make the color closer to my hair and the trusty kitchen scissors cut the mock shape. I know that this is not authentic participation in 1Million Mohawks. It still lets me modify my sense of humor to remind the people in my life that Joe is working hard to help the mental health community and how grateful I am for his life.
Design Life as You Would Art
I love daffodils. They are my favorite flowers to look at, while lilacs are my favorite flowers to smell. When I brought this plate home I knew that I would find a way to contrast the living bloom with the glass representation. I took the plate outside and positioned it so that it served as a backdrop for the daffodils in my garden. I was unhappy with the result. I chose to bring in some cut stems and arrange them in water and then remembered that I had a few mini flowers too. I added them to the vase and stood on a chair to take this picture. I was delighted with the image. It is less about the actual composition than it is about recognizing the essence of what I wanted to capture and the steps I had to take to achieve the result. Living by design is like that too. The design evolves once we formulate our goals. We then create action steps based on research or investigation and supported by mentors or coaches. The target date helps to set us in motion with a sequence of events. Living by design, rather then default, is far more fun!
Inconvenience vs. Disaster
The snow this winter caused severe damage to trees and to property because of trees. This image made me gasp. Seeing how the corner of the garage was caught as the tree went down was a dramatic example of what COULD HAVE HAPPENED. How often do we wail over unpleasant circumstances and complain about the considerable inconvenience? How often do we recount, in vivid detail, the accidents and illnesses befalling ourselves or acquaintances? How often do we relive missing a bus or connection because of timing? This image is a wonderful reminder of how events that seem terrible could have been so much worse. What if this tree hit the garage roof full on? What if someone was working inside? What if this tree crashed onto the roof of the house instead of the garage? What if this tree fell on a family pet? What if this tree fell onto the car pulling into the driveway? Please consider that as awful as the situation is that you find yourself, someone somewhere has it worse. Remember also that you have weathered much in your lifetime and that you are resilient and resourceful. We all are.
Perfection is Fleeting
I don't much like vegetables. Broccoli is one of the few that I enjoy, though I am very particular about the color. When steaming or blanching the flowerets I do my best to watch the time so that the color is just right. I avoid the use of the word PERFECT because so rarely is it appropriate. Frequently a clock is a great prop when have this conversation. If we agree to meet at noon I will be precisely on time ("perfect") only when the second hand reaches the twelve on the face of the clock. Anything other than that is early or late. That gives me one second to be perfect. If I am sewing a hem and a couple of stitches are not hidden I have the option of ripping it out and starting again. If I weigh the time already spent and the time needed to redo my work I may decide that the mistake is quite minor, essentially invisible and that excellence wins over perfection. Consider the tasks that lay before you. Occasionally choose excellence over perfection and get three extra things done with the leftover time.
Feeling Faceless and Anonymous?
Tuesday mornings start with a three mile walk in my friend's neighborhood. This was the first time I had my phone with me because I had JUST gotten news of the birth of my first grandchild. Our route is usually the same loop and this particular day it varied a bit and we passed this carved figure. Funny how the combination of the accessibility of the camera combined with the different location led to this image. It was an instance of serendipity. The faceless nature of this poor bear reminded me of a meeting I once attended. It was at a time I was insecure about myself. I was a member of a forensic organization and attended meetings in NYC. I would sit where I wouldn't be noticed and not say anything the entire evening. Even though I paid my annual dues I felt like I might not have the right to be there. After going several times I recognized the faces and put them together with names. I imagined that I was recognizable too. Not so! On one occasion, as I was ascending a short stairway, a meeting "regular" was coming down. It felt like he looked right through me. There was no "Hi", no wave, no nod of the head, absolutely no acknowledgement of my presence. For years I resented that person and his lack of courtesy. What I realized some time later was that I had worked so hard at being invisible at the meetings that I was truly unseen. I have learned since then that I can be a valuable member of a group, that it is up to me to introduce myself and that I choose to be visible.